Once again we remind readers that our KICK-ASS BLOG COMMUNITY is dedicated to myth-busting unfounded conceptions and challenging the status quo in Kansas City.
Normally our ire is directed toward more serious issues but tonight let's talk just a moment about a Kansas City ritual that deserves a fact check:
TONIGHT WE PRESENT THE TOP FIVE REASONS TO HATE THE PLAZA LIGHTS!!!
Impossible to dispute, here's a list to remember when arguing with supporters of the crass commercialism this holiday represents.
Checkit:
Plaza Lights Waste Energy
There's always coy explanation over the thousands upon thousands kilowatt hours that the Plaza lights suck down but most of it is simply wasted in service of selling just a bit more overpriced merch.
Hayseed Tourists Clog Midtown Kansas City Streets To Gawk At "Purdy" Lights
This year there were 1,598,082 people gathered to watch the Plaza lights . . . Or not. The count isn't really important and something that only bothers "journalists" who don't like talking to people outside of their closed social circle of creeps . . . And speaking of creeps . . . Tourists flocking to see the Plaza lighter are usually country folk from miserable places like Grain Valley and beyond. Economic theorists along with amateur urban planners might suggest that catering to these jerks will boost the local economy but small biz people with real world experience know better.
Trade with rural Missouri only leads to a disastrous glut of walnut bowls.
The denizens of middle-Missouri-Kansas and most of rural America simply make things worse as evidence by this election where the rubes voted for a reality game show host billionaire in hopes that he was going to look out for their economic interests. Good luck with that . . .
In the meantime, rural America is dying and their bitter end threatens to bring the Republic down with it along with cheapening Kansas City with their twangy wonderment at lights strung upon buildings.
Caveat . . . NOT YOU, YOU'RE ONE OF THE GOOD ONES and somewhere I have a stolen Johnny Cash CD from a former chubby, blonde white lady friend which proves TKC really does admire talented country folk.
But I digress . . .
Kansas City Foodie Price Gouging
Local foodies put out the red carpet for the crowds watching the Plaza Lights and in turn jack up their prices to ludicrous amounts. A Kansas City shouldn't cost more than $20 bucks even when topped with kale but at despicable places like Coal Vines, the hipsters put their horrible fare at a premium thanks to fake demand supported by the Plaza lights.
Plaza Lights Promote Misuse Of Police Protection To Support Luxury Shopping And Elitist Entertainment Options
This one is actually a real complaint from much smarter people than TKC . . . While KCPD is forced to play baby-sitter to flash mobs, drunks and horrible drivers clogging up the Plaza . . . Crime throughout KCMO has continued to spike. There's no easy solution here because directing police away from this entertainment enclave usually results in another tragic incident that makes for embarrassing headlines. In the meantime, the inability of folks to behave themselves on a night out is forcing many local police to take on the duties of security guards amid cutbacks and tightening budgets where politicos have consistently sacrificed public safety for corporate crony tax breaks.
Kansas City Must Reject Faux Glamour Life Selling Overpriced Chinese Goods
In the final analysis . . . From the Apple products to the luxury purses for sale on the Plaza: It's all junk. The idea of a "luxury" shopping district is antiquated and something that doesn't take into account the power of Internets shopping which allows locals the ability to purchase goods straight from their computers hacked by Pacific rim ad-bots.
Double bonus . . .
Bad Debt Jesus Saves?!?!
Not that it matters, but the Plaza lights is a decidedly secular event designed to take any religious significance and replace it with impulse to buy . . . This is capitalism at it's finest and probably one of the best achievements of America's first outdoor shopping mall . . . But as the nation prepares to undertake a holy war in order to solve its immigration crisis . . . Credit card Jesus won't provide any semblance of moral clarity.
And so, while the lights provide plenty of smiles and good times for locals both young and old . . . We hope this list inspires our blog community to reconsider that Kansas City tradition clandestinely predicated upon racially restrictive covenants, class warfare and crass commercialism.
And all of this has inspired our playlist tonight . . .
Brad Millison recorded 'Christmas In Kansas City' in 1985 and then killed himself not too long afterwards...
Brit Hotties Make Everything Better . . . There's A Sculpture Of Winston Churchill And His Wife On The Plaza Despite The Fact That His Legacy In His Home Country Is Far More Complicated And The Old Man Hated Gandhi. WTF???
Old School Classic Rock Because The Plaza Hasn't Added Anything New To The Lights Since Including Fireworks About 20 Years Ago . . .
Lights Is A Newbie Hottie Who Deserves More Attention And Just A Tribute To Another Generation "Discovering" Our Quaint Cowtown Event
Final tribute to "lights" along with a favorite video hoping that Kanye gets better in time for his Presidential run. Kanye 2020!!!
As always, thanks for reading this week and have a safe and fun Saturday Night.
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